I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
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i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Always the camel, never the toe.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
“no gods no masters” = leo
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!