It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
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I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
*performs CPR on the turkey*
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza