a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
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So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.