Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
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Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.