My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
You Might Also Like
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
#SCOTUS one-star review
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen