*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
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aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
When a shoelace touches your ankle
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan