No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
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One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I hate everything
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”