To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
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Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
fourth time’s the charm