UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
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if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK