No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
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You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again