Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
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I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
My kids at 7am: What鈥檚 for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What鈥檚 blue plus blue make?
Me:
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
stopped to pee at a McDonner鈥檚
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Me: I can鈥檛 wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 馃檨
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that鈥檚 an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
her: I鈥檓 a cat person
me: I鈥檓 more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I鈥檓 now a big fan of crab cakes.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who鈥檚 distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won鈥檛 be giving further details at this time.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?