[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
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How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
When he asks for feet pics
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away