Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
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Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!