so i’m at the stock market right
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Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.