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I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?