me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
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Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.