I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
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me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
i spent way too long on this
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song