I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
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Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
I don’t make the rules sorry
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Not all heroes wear capes….
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.