My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
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@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
yeet
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour