“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
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this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
The first matador
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home