My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
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Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.