My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
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I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir