*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
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God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I will never stop laughing at this
Husband: Letās try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Iām no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room aināt gonna look like that for long.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I havenāt seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: š³
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why donāt you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
pisses me off when Iām taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says āhey save some for the fishesā when just before iād filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
You canāt claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess Iāll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
OF COURSE Iām not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!ā¦ Iām on my second.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.