I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
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Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.