Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
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Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.