My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
You Might Also Like
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking