Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
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My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
#Caturday
Saturday
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.