Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
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[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.