Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
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Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Can’t, holding a grudge
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.