Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
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If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L