I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
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Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Check out the legs on this baby
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I am crying
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
I put the mess in domestic.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.