if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
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me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.