I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
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I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home