The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
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Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!