Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
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me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.