[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
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“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.