Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
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this is me
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
I have so many questions.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
How actors in movies eat their food
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.