Meanwhile in Canada…
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Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
lmaaaaaooooooooo
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….