I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
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The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”