9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
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I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.