One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I only eat vegetarians.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it