i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
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Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
i did the math
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that