I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
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I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.