since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
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Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]