Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
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Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards