Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
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Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!