Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
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I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
12653.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd