Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
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“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god