ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
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Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.