me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
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Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws